Adopted And Made New: I struggled with self-hatred

by Alex Moore


God has honestly done so much in my life during the heart module that it's hard to pin point certain things. He has literally changed everything. He's changed the way that I see people, the way I see him and most powerfully the way that I see myself. For so long growing up I struggled with self-hatred and over the past 5 months at Catch The Toronto he's just been tearing down all these walls that I've placed around my heart and he's begun to show me who I truly am! 

I've come to know myself as a son of God, not just the head knowledge that I had before but everyday it's becoming firmly fixed in my heart; I am his child and this revelation has had the biggest impact on my life. When I visited my family over the break I realized how much I had changed, I felt different, I felt confident, truly confident probably for the first time in my adult life.

I have just begun to love myself, I now like the way that God made me and I'm actually thankful, something I'd never thought I'd say before. Before school I was also struggling with pornography and masturbation and I haven't struggled with that once since starting the school. I know that I'm truly free from it, not just the act of doing it but also the shame that I was carrying has totally gone from my life.

He's also made me so sensitive to his presence and I can feel him in such a powerful way. He's turned my life around in the best way and poured himself upon me in a way I always dreamed he would. 

“Now I’m ready to change the world”: A testimony of freedom in God’s transforming love

When day to day life becomes a painful struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, it can seem hard to find a clear way out.

Isaac Myers, a graduate of the School of Ministry in Toronto, shared his testimony of how encountering God’s presence and hearing his words of love led to a total life transformation.


Like so many young people today I was bullied into an intense place of pain and vulnerability. As a teenager, I was so crippled by insecurity and feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred, that depression seemed like the only natural way to go.

I began this vicious cycle of self-harm and suicidality which continued all the way through my teenage years. I would look at myself in the mirror and see utter disgust. I would speak words of disgust over myself every day. 

I believed that I was worth absolutely nothing.

Things started to change for me when I went to a CTF mission trip in the Philippines in 2016 and I met 2 girls who had just done the School of Ministry. I saw something in their eyes which was different to anything I’ve seen in an individual before. It was like a shining light. Some kind of beacon and I knew whatever they had, that was what I needed. That was what was going to save me. 

They said, ‘We’ve just come back from five months at the School of Ministry. Go! You’ll meet God in that place.’

In the time between going to the School of Ministry and saying yes to going, the depression got much worse. I reached a place where I said to the Lord, ‘I’m going to try and end my life now, but I’m going to give you one final chance.

I decided to take a final step of faith and got on the plane and arrived at the School of Ministry. It was pretty cool! Week number one you learn about hearing God’s voice with Mark Virkler. We learnt how to journal and hear God’s voice. I began to ask him, ‘Father, what do you think of me? What do you say about me? Who am I?’

He began to say, again and again, ‘I love you, Isaac. I love you, Isaac. I love you, Isaac.’

After about three weeks of hearing this, and saying, ‘Oh God, I feel so broken, God I hate myself. God, I’m so insecure, God, I want to die still.’ Even then he kept saying, ‘I love you, Isaac, I just love you Isaac, I just love you, Isaac.’

Hearing that and being in this environment at the school where you are encapsulated by the love of God for five months intentionally completely won my heart over. I watched depression lift off my soul. I watched the pain and shame of my burdens be lifted by him. I saw myself free from insecurity and able to stand in the fullness of his love for me. My entire identity was restored and won over. 

It was like this crusade of the father saying, you came to the school to survive, but I’m going to make you thrive while you’re here.

The story doesn’t end there. “The thing I’m passionate about it what happens to you after the school.” said Cathy Harris, director of the School of Ministry in Toronto, “I think it’s great to go to a school of ministry, but if you just live in that little bubble for 5 months as the students tend to say, and then nothing happens on the end, then what’s the point?”

“My story is one of encountering the love of the father, being incredibly transformed by his restorative power, and now I’m ready to change the world,” said Isaac.

“It started when I was about eight years old. Ever since I was very young I started to have incredible dreams that I couldn’t understand. They began with seeing molecules or technologies or being taught concepts which I didn’t understand and didn’t know about until I was trained in them either later on in studies or in medical school.”
Isaac has taken a year out of his work as a doctor to invest more time at the School of Ministry in Toronto before he continues his work in the medical field, “I’m going to go back and I’m looking at pursuing further education and teaching in the field of cancer research and seeing some of those dreams and visions translate.”

Isaac shared this testimony at the Catch The Fire conference, Toronto, September 2018.

You can read more of Isaac’s story after graduating from the School of Ministry here.

Written By Alice Clarke